Holy Smokes, Archangel!
by girl undone
Summary: The Batman of Omega meets the Catwoman of the Normandy. Meow! Miranda, Kelly, Dr. Chakwas, and Mess Sergeant Gardner also appear. Rating for a little bit of language and suggestive tones.


A/N: This is dedicated to Thessali, fellow Garrus fangirl, inspiration for me trying my hand at Mass Effect fanfic, and all around evil genius. ;) Go read her wonderful stories and please note the final pairing is a direct nod to her.

Enjoy!

* * *

"You know," Commander Rachel Shepard said to Garrus Vakarian from her desk, perfecting the art of procrastination by teasing the turian rather than writing up a report, "I'm kind of disappointed you didn't have a cape when you were," she threw her arms out dramatically, her voice sounding like an ad for a new action vid, "_Archangel._"

Garrus, sitting on the chair across from the couch, had been busy blunting his talons, thinking Shepard was hard at work. He groaned, as he always did when she mentioned his vigilante nickname in that tone. "Not this again."

She grinned at him through the model display stuffed with miniature ships. "Well, it's only fitting. All vigilante superheroes have capes. Superman, Batman... You were like the Batman of Omega! Garrus Vakarian, hot-headed ex-C-Sec officer by day, but when night falls on mean streets of Omega, you became _Archangel_! Righting the wrongs, saving the innocents, kicking ass and taking names in your cobalt blue armour! Which would have been even sexier if there was a cape involved."

He stood up, tossing the file down, and walked up the shallow staircase, arms crossed. "Since you obviously aren't writing your report- which Kelly tells me is a sign of your passive-aggressive nature toward Miranda- I want to know what this 'bat man' you keep referring to is."

Rachel's jaw dropped before she cursed indignantly, "That sneaky little bitch! Is that what she told you? Well, Miss I-Got-My-Psychology-Degree-On-The-Extranet is going to have a grand time dating Mr. Rules and Regulations himself." She threw her voice several octaves and rubbed the back of her neck in a good imitation of Alenko, "Oh, Kelly, I don't know about this. How can trust you when you used to work for Cerberus? How can I possibly let you suck my-"

"Rachel!" he interrupted, harsher than he meant to. He was trying to not laugh. "I think you just made her point."

She shot him a disgruntled look, then tapped at her personal terminal. "Fine, fine. They deserve each other, though." She leaned forward, then tapped again. "Ah here," she beckoned him over with her hand. "C'mere, _Archangel_, and meet Batman."

Mandibles flexing in an amused smirk, he crossed behind her and leaned over her shoulder, peering at the screen. He was silent for a long moment as he read the accompanying text, but mostly he was staring at the bizarre graphic of a human male posing valiantly on a cliff overlooking a night-time metropolis, wearing what looked to a be a suit tighter than Jacob's, in Miranda's boots, minus the heels. A funny looking hat, decorated with ears strangely shaped like triangles, was perched on his head, and a long cape swirling behind him. He finally spoke, "Men wearing their undergarments over their uniforms is what you call 'sexy'?"

She laughed and turned around in her chair to give him a playful shove. "No! But capes are definitely sexy. As are bad-ass vigilantes with ridiculously named alter-egos."

Garrus huffed, squeezing her into her chair as he crowded the space to commandeer her terminal. He scrolled down until an image of a human woman in suit and mask of shiny black material with pointy ears, different from the man's. "Now _that_ is sexy. For a human, anyway."

Rachel made a noise of protest as he took over her space, and then glowered up at him. "That's Catwoman. She's Batman's sometimes enemy, sometimes lover. And she looks just like Miranda." She arched a brow at him. "Is there something I should know? I thought I was the only human you liked."

Garrus tilted his head to rumble in her ear, "You are. Borrow her uniform."

Rachel gave an indignant gasp, then narrowed her eyes. "Find a cape."

Garrus stood up and laughed heartily. "You'd never ask her for it."

She smirked up at him. "I killed a Human-Reaper. You don't think I have the quads to do it?"

He suddenly stopped laughing, realising she had a point. Then he himself had the quads to flare his mandibles in a smirk back at her, challengingly. "No, I don't."

Her eyes danced mischievously as she turned away from him with a lofty shrug, clicking off the extranet to begin her long over-due report. "You're on, _Archangel._"

Garrus knew that look. Suddenly, he wondered if there were anonymous extranet sites for bizarre human costumes in turian sizing.

* * *

Shepard was on a mission as she headed toward Miranda's office, OSD in hand. So much so that she nearly collided with Kelly.

"Oh, Commander!" the Yeoman exclaimed cheerfully. "You look... very determined!"

Commander Shepard looked Kelly straight in the eye and gave her a wide, false smile. "Oh, I am, Yeoman Chambers, but first, there was something I've been meaning to tell you."

Kelly blinked, unnerved by the Commander's locked-on gaze. Her own smile faded as she tried to break eye contact without seeming obvious about it. "Yes Commander?"

Shepard continued to smile in that unsettling way, "Alenko's one of those touchy-feely kind of guys. If you want him to man up in the bedroom you've got to tell him to. He loves being ordered around."

Kelly stared, opened mouth and bright red.

Shepard patted Kelly on the shoulder, "Now what were saying about me being passive-aggressive?"

The poor girl gulped, "I didn't... I mean... I'm sorry, Commander." She swallowed again, eyes wide.

The Commander relented, but kept her voice stern. "It's not really professional for a psychologist to share her opinions or observations with anyone but her supervisor, Yeoman Chambers. I'd appreciate it if you kept them to yourself."

Kelly flushed deeper and looked down, twisting her hands. "Yes ma'am."

Shepard suddenly felt a little badly. She was angry with Kelly for voicing her opinions to the crew, but it didn't warrant such a personal attack. With a sigh, she added, "Very good." Kelly tried to scamper off, but the Commander called after her, "And Kelly?" The yeoman stopped and turned, bracing for another reprimand, but Shepard's mouth was turned up at the corners. "I shouldn't have said it that way, but it still holds true. Take my advice about Alenko."

Kelly was still bright red as she squeaked, "I'll... keep that in mind, Commander."

Shepard shook her head at the young woman. "That'll be all, Yeoman Chambers," and pushed the console for Miranda's door.

Kelly gratefully ran toward the lift as Shepard stepped into Miranda's office. The brunette was at her desk, but looked up, surprised to see the Commander in her space. "What can I do for you, Shepard?" A smirk played on her lips.

Shepard stepped forward and carelessly tossed the OSD on Miranda's tidy desk, ignoring the smirk. "The last mission report," she said, indicating the discarded OSD. Then she added, as though it were unimportant afterthought, "Also, I need to borrow your black uniform."

Miranda now openly smirked at the Commander, leaning back in her chair, eyes appraising her, "My black uniform? May I ask why?"

Shepard gave her that falsely-sweet smile the former Cerberus operative hated so much and replied lightly, "No."

The brunette crossed her arms, not flinching away from Shepard's unwavering gaze. "I thought you disliked the lack of armour it provided."

It was Shepard's turn to smirk, "Oh, I'm not using it in the field, Lawson."

Miranda's mouth curled in disgust at the implication. _I should have stuck the bloody control chip in there when I had a chance._ "I'm sure it won't fit," she persisted.

Shepard smiled humourlessly at Miranda's expression, but her eyes glinted impishly. "I'm sure it'll stretch to accommodate my genetically superior curves, Lawson."

Miranda gave an unladylike grunt. That comment hit below the belt. "You _will _return it clean and... intact." She shuddered at the mental image her last word brought to mind.

Shepard arched her brow, not bothering to hide her amusement. "Ordering me around, Lawson? Last I checked, I was still the Commander."

Miranda countered, determined to keep her cool, "It's still my uniform, _Commander._"

Shepard pretended to consider this, never once breaking eye contact with Miranda. "True. I'll take that into account."

Miranda pressed her lips together in a thin line. "Very well then. You may borrow it. Will that be all?"

Commander Shepard smiled again at the brunette before she turned around and pressed the console for the doors. "I need your boots, too."

Miranda groaned and buried her head in her arms atop of her desk as the Commander left the office.

* * *

Garrus gave an inward sigh of relief as he entered the forward batteries after dinner, intent on seeing to the cannons he had been quite willingly to neglect until Shepard had grumbled about an expense report she could no longer put off. A week had gone by and he thought the nonsense of 'Batman' had passed. At least, Rachel hadn't mentioned it again. Not that he wouldn't like to see her in the outfit, of course, but where would he ever find a cape-

Under the dim red lighting of the batteries, a figure threw a long shadow in the corner of the room, immediately catching his eye. A human woman, encased in a shiny black catsuit; her red-gold hair was straightened and slicked back. Her grey-green eyes were heavily rimmed in black kohl, exaggeratedly winged out in the corners, and her lips were coloured a deep red. She posed dramatically in high-heeled boots, like the artist's rendering he saw on the extranet, atop the crates she normally sat upon. He watched as she jumped down and stalked to the console where he normally calibrated the Thanix cannons.

"So, we meet again, _Archangel._"

Garrus was straining to keep his mandibles from flaring wide, but failed miserably. "Is this where you show me a good time on the console?" he joked.

She draped herself across the aforementioned console in a pose of feline grace. "Catwoman is a villainess, you know. _Archangel_ might have to tame her first."

_Archangel _ replied, "Oh, I can do that."

_Catwoman _stretched out a hand to point to a voluminous mass of cloth folded over the rails to the left of herself. "You have to put that on first, though." Her smile was very kittenish. "It's a cape."

* * *

Outside, Mess Sergeant Gardner looked up as the glowing green console on the main battery doors turned cherry red. "Those crazy kids," he laughed, shaking his head good-naturedly.

Dr. Chakwas, beside him, took a sip from her glass of Serrice ice brandy and nodded in agreement, "Indeed. I only hope Miranda has another spare uniform. From the sounds of it, she won't be getting it back in one piece."


End file.
